Jobs I won't be offered

Dear XXXX,

Your e-mail response to my application for the XXX XXXXXX XXXXXX cashier position has been received. Though, I suspect, you may be aware of this already. Your ears must by now be attuned to familiar audio cues.

The prodigious thump you just heard, that was the sound of my jaw striking the floor of my apartment. The result of a common yet involuntary reflex to flabbergasting absurdity. And the staccato that followed, that syncopated cadence going thud thud thud, that was my skull colliding repeatedly with a wall. But don't be alarmed. This reaction, I assure you, WAS voluntary.

Judging by the content of your response, these sorts of noises must be old hat.

Anyways, there is something I must ask of you before I can send the things you had the temerity to ask of me. It really isn't much. All I require of you is clarification, as I'm somewhat flummoxed here.

The source of my dumbfounded state, for starters, is the fact that I've received an e-mail from you at all. My application for the cashier gig was submitted on 9/9/09. On 9/22/09, my inbox regurgitated a missive from XXXX XXXXX Human Resources. Reproducing the epistle in its entirety here would be frivolity, pure and simple; and despite the incipient realization that the XXXX XXXXX Human Resources Department seems to traffic in all things frivolous, it's best to spare you and me both this taxing exercise. That notwithstanding, the substance of the letter is as follows:


"Dear (Applicant),
We have received your application for the position of XXX XXXX X XXX XXXXX Cashier Full-Time. Unfortunately at this point in time we are unable to place you in this position at this location...We will retain your candidate file in our database and notify you of job openings that match your profile...Either way, please be sure to check back and view our career section regularly.

We thank you for your interest in working for XXX XXXX Resort.Best regards,
XXXX XXXXXXX Recruitment Team
XXXXXX XXX Resort"

There you have it. A concise, "thanks-but-no-thanks" rejection. Still, it was the sweetest generic form letter a computer program has ever dumped me with. I damn near got all choked up.

Then here you come, fourteen days after mean old Human Resource-A-Tron 5000 breaks my heart. Here you are trying to catch me on the rebound, in my advanced state of emotional vulnerability. Your keyboard creating a come-hither ambiance as it clackety-clacks sweet nothings in my inbox's ear:

Hello (Applicant),

I've received your application for the XXX XXXXXX cashier position. Please send me two letters of reference from former employers. Once I received those we can set up an interview for the position.

I look forward to hearing from you.


XXXX

XXXX XXX
XXXX XXX XXXXX/XXX Manager
XXXX XXXXX Resort

Okay, wait. What?

Ms. XXX, if I am to understand this correctly, your company currently has no interest in employing me, except that it does. Hours upon fitful tortuous hours of trying to wrap my febrile head around this paradoxical oxymoronic conundrum have resulted in all sorts of psychosomatic horrors, as well as two strokes, a messy and embarrassing bout of incontinence, and one peculiar incidence of localized spontaneous combustion.

Though the last part wasn't so bad. I never really needed that leg anyway.

But let's get down to brass tacks.

In a mere fortnight, XXXXXXX XXX Resort has switched positions vis-a-vis me. And sure, while I have honed my already formidable cash-handling skills to a shiny superlative edge in the past two weeks, there is no way even the most delphic of HR oracles could get wise to my intensive clandestine training. So why the abrupt reversal? Has swine influenza developed a discriminating palate and a potent lust only for the sweet, viscous blood of register jockeys? Has the corporate world been suddenly gripped by a clerk drought, a cashier famine? The mind reels at the very thought, so perhaps you, O siren of gainful-employment temptation, could assuage my anxieties by explaining just what in God's name is the logic behind your company's inchoate hiring practices. I'm sure I speak for myself when I tell you I'd appreciate it.

In reproducing your well-intentioned (I'm guessing) letter, it seemed telling to print your title as well. As a contingency, if you somehow missed it then, or even the off-chance that you've missed the stamp on each of the mellifluous communiques you mail out on a who-knows-when basis, that title is displayed again here for an inculcating effect:

XXXX XXX
XXX XXXXX XXXXXXX/XXXX Manager
XXXXXX XXX Resort

There it is. Just in case, you know, you forgot.

So, since you're ostensibly the XXX XXXXX XXXXXXX/XXXX Manager, and seeing as on the application I assiduously filled out and submitted that the applicant is required to provide the contact information of his or her previous employers, another trifling question comes up. To wit:

WHAT THE FUCK, HUH? I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

You want me to provide you with letters of reference? YOU want ME to do all your goddamn legwork?

Is this some kind of atavistic joke, Ms. XXX? Is Chris Dodd a dozen Glenmorangie highballs deep and running amok in your office? Do you and your company operate in some pixie-dust vacuum, in a nonsense bubble sealed off from the rest of the business world? Outside of Fantasyville, USA, population Y-O-U, it is the responsibility of management, not the applicant, to recruit, vet, and hire necessary staff to successfully operate all departments under the supervision of said management. While I would very much prefer to do your job, and enjoy the salary, benefits and prestige that go with it, that job is currently held. Regrettably, by you.

One more time, Ms. XXX: You already have a job. So, for your company's sake, could you please do it?

And stop wasting valuable time, both yours and mine, with these desultory, asinine, and flat-out lazy requests? Could you?

Pretty please with apple pie and sugar on top?

Thanks. I knew you could. You little minx.

So, now that we've cleared up all this silliness, let's schedule me an interview, shall we?

Now I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon. More than you'll ever know.

Sincerely,

(Applicant)